Mikey Ladano over at his Fantastic site covers a ton of stuff musically and he’s a great reviewer who at times dabbles in Movie Reviews but also writes about his past which he has called Getting More Tale.
Mikes one post titled #519: Mistakes I Made Fixing Broken Tapes totally brought back the time that my good pal of over 40 years Tbone bought the first 5 David Lee Roth fronted Van Halen releases on cassette tape sealed for just under $20 back in 1984…
Lemme tell ya about…..
Too make a long story even longer ….January 1984 I lent Tbone my vinyl copy of VH’s 1984. This was Tbones first Dabble with Halen and he liked what he heard! So much so he quickly purchased a copy of 1984 for himself!
It wasn’t too much long after that T got the Halen Itch so one day over lunch at school he told me “I’m going to buy all the Halen albums TODAY!”
Whut? …
So after lunch we split from High School and off we headed to our local Shopping Mall which was and still is called Intercity. We parked and headed into Sears to cut over to the mall and head into A&A Records so Tbone could drop some cash on Dave Halen!
But before and If Tbone’s good luck couldn’t get any better we came across two Bins stuffed with Cassette Tapes One Bin had basically a bunch of shit tapes marked for $2.99. The only one worth mentioning Ironically was an Sammy Hagar Greatest Hits Tape called Cruisin And Boozin. The next Bin was stuffed with a bunch of $9.99 cassette tapes (current rock at the time)like AC/DC /Def Leppard/Quiet Riot and bands of that ilk. The big score in the $9.99 Bin was that there was the first 5 Van Halen tapes sitting there waiting for Tbones hands to grab them up!
Tbone paused for a second took a look around and told me to watch for Sears staff sniffing around the area we were in. Basically I was on “Watch” Duty. Alert T of any incoming Sears Staff headed our way!
Next thing you know Tbone digs into the Cheapie Bin’s and pulls out a handful of Crap tapes all priced $2.99 and manage’s to peel off the stickers (quicker than a Monkey peeling a banana) and transfer them to the other bin where the Halen Tapes were all marked $9.99 and T than proceeded to place the $2.99 stickers over the $9.99 Stickers that were the VH cassette’s.
What a friggin Genius move before my eyes! TBone did this to all the Halen Tapes …
Let’s calculate this….(tax not included)
Full Price for 5 Van Halen Tapes at Sears back in 1984- $49.95
TBone’s Discount Sticker Removal Times for 5 Van Halen Tapes in 1984-$14.95
Tbone even bought Hagars Tape for the actual price of $2.99..(Big Spender!)
Tbone spent $17.94! A savings of $34.96….for 6 sealed Cassette Tapes…..
Son of a Beeatch! I quickly did the Math on the Halen purchases and I DID pay at least $9.99 each for those Halen albums on Vinyl…..
In other words….
Deke’s 6 Van Halen albums on vinyl back in the early 80’s. $9.99 Times 6=$59.94….
Tbone was like a Giddy Pig In Shit that Day and we blew off the afternoon classes and drove all over Tbay that afternoon and everyone heard Hang Em High blaring from Tbones car whether they wanted to hear it or not!
My sister in law Kristy came across this mint(all pages intact including the Judas Priest Centerfold) copy of Hit Parader while she was out doing as she calls it Junkin! This mag came in at under $1! I paid $1.95 for it back in 1985.
So for this past Christmas as a gag she wrapped it up and my nephew Cameron(Cambo)presented it to me. Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley in there 80s heyday glory on the cover of the February Issue(1985)
I howled as I unwrapped it and once I seen the cover and the red Hit Parader title at the top! Wowzers I flashbacked like Marty Mcfly in Back To The Future and basically for about a minute I tuned out the whole world around me and flipped through it like I standing at Larry And Gary’s Convienance Store in Current River (Tbay)circa 1985 as a 18 year old!
Kristy laughed as I had told her I had this copy and many other magazines as well. It was a total score!
Once I snapped myself back into present day reality I passed the Hit Parader over to my sisters boyfriend Darren who turned the pages and we laughed at the title of the articles! Man how much was it snowing at the editors table at Hit Parader? Haha! We also marvelled at the one of the many T shirt adds for Rock bands! 2 Rock shirts for $11! That was 1985 and for those wondering that included the Maiden Shirts! The Number Of The Beast,Purgatory,Killers,The Trooper! The ironic thing is these Maiden shirts are in circulation today except it’s gonna cost you a lot more today! Damn Inflation!
My 75 year old Father (Don and Yep if your wondering if he has a nick name,it’s Ol Boy!)even took a turn leafing through the magazine! He even hollered over the people in the house “Derek is this one of the Kiss guys?” when he got to the Kiss article on page 34! Ha….
Brent Jensen in his superbly written No Sleep Til Sudbury book states that magazines like Hit Parader and Circus were handlers for the record industry back in the 80s and I totally agree with Brent! Except at the time I didn’t realize it but after Brent wrote about and explained it I just had to laugh about it! Call Me Sucka!
Lemme explain ….
Basically I would buy the magazine…read the articles about bands and than go and buy the album! Repeat this process over and over,month after month! Add in more magazines like Circus,Creem,Rock Scene,Faces and later on RIP and Metal Edge Magazines. Looking back and thinking about it I was the record company’s mule in the 80s! Transporting back and forth and spreading to all who would listen (take a bow Tbone) the new bands,what the current bands were doing! Holy hell I was doing free promotion for a ton of acts! Mr Jensen I could have used your wisdom back in 1985 …
They should have hired me I mean I laugh now at it all but some of these band articles with the titles are classic…. for instance and just this issue….
Dokken-Rough And Ready,Dio- The Evil Eye,Scorpions- The Continental Noblemen,Fastway-Rocking On The Edge,Kick Axe-Pedal To The Metal and my fav titled article …Zebra- Earning There Stripes! Hahaha….
The back of each issue of Hit Parader would feature about a dozen or so pages of current rock songs with the lyrics. Can you say magazine filler! It irked me back than but today it made giggle! I mean here’s the lyrics to New Girl Now by Honeymoon Suite,Two Minutes To Midnight by Iron Maiden, Heavens On Fire by Kiss and many more! Give me more rock info so I could babble more about it. Than again maybe these dozen wasted pages did me a service by not featuring more articles whereas I would have spent more cash!
Writing this Ramble was fun! Thanks Kristy and now I know why Axl Rose went off the rails lyrically in the song Get In The Ring when Axl spewed venom towards Andy Secher(editor) and Hit Parader Magazine. Ha!
Full Circle!
1986 and all is not well in the QR camp! 1984s Condition Critical was kinda a flop(it still sold, but nowhere near Metal Healths numbers) Dubrow was starting press fights with Vince Neil. David Lee Roth on VH’s 1984 tour chirped Dubrow every night when he took a swig from his Jack Daniels bottle that “this ain’t no QR show Babeeeeeee!” As Dubrow told the press that he only had ice tea in his Jack Bottle. All us young rock heads were like….Daves cool,Dubrow what a poser….don’t admit that shit dude to a bunch of 19 year old males!!
Rudy Sarzo had enough and was gone and Sarzo went on to play in one of Tbones hidden classic cassette gems “Project Driver! “But QR brought back in there Ol pal Chuck Wright on Bass and QR goes and hires a keyboard player and decides to shift direction in other words not a smart move ….and oh yeah Dubrow went from looking like the lead singer from Trooper to looking like well…..check out his new looking rock mop!
MANE ATTRACTION-Yep new sound,lotsa keyboards and new hairdos! Geez this is not a bad song for a leadoff track. Yep QR is the Mane Attraction…hmmm let’s see where this new direction takes us!
THE WILD AND THE YOUNG- to quote the video”No More Rock n Roll!” Hmmm, and Banali kicks off the track with his big sounding drums….Dubrow kicks it with “times are changing but nothing really stays the same for this jukebox generation” actually this is a good song But it’s starting to drown in layers of keyboards..oh..oh! Sez I. Tbone, I know as well is on board with me! But fuck man strip away the keys and this tune as I have heard many a time live when QR has dropped in Tbay is so much stronger….
PUT UP OR SHUT UP NOW- hey man this is also a good track and it leads off side 2. I always liked the chorus on this but once again buried under a pound of keys! Uumm….. If your keeping score your probably wondering hey where’s the reviews for the rest of the songs on side 1?(Twilight Hotel,Down and Dirty and Rise Or Fall) simple they didn’t register on my rock n radar back than and still don’t today…..Next….
STILL OF THE NIGHT- (sing with me here folks in Scorpions mode)Blackout I really had a Blackout?Blackout ,Blackout out on this song! Seriously, no recollection on this one your Honor! …..I, the listener is Blacking out to this album!
BASS CASE- cool name for a 59 second Bass noodle fest but seriously 1986 and for me when I think of a Bass solo I think of Billy Sheehan ripping out that sick fuckin bass line with Steve Vai on Elephant Gun from Dave Roths Eat Em And Smile album from 1986! Sorry Chuck Wright….cool title though….
THE PUMP- this is just bad 80s cheese! Hey QR you should have handed back your Kraft cheese single slices back this song reeks of it! Bad lyrics just a bad fruity goofy song. The QR Songwriting well is dry man ..real dry!
SLAVE TO LOVE and HELPING HANDS- nothin to write home about! Have no idea anymore why revisit the scene of a train wreck ?
IN CONCLUSION- Holy Hell! Me and Tbone were totally fooled by this one. We both bought this and well not too many others did! But heck I’m still talking about it 29 years later! Seriously QR 3 has three songs that back than were alright but 3 songs don’t make a great record so guess what Tbone? Dubrow and company were smart they told us dumbasses that “hey buy our QR 3 album! 3 Good songs and 7 fillers ..hence we will call it QR 3!” QR warned us they even called there album 3!
Yup! This ones been floating around in my noggin for a while now and well the 80s( if Ya remember them ) some bands released album titles that at the time I thought were interesting to say the least! But now it’s like Haha! Like Poison with Open Up And Say Ahh! Kiss with Lick It Up,Heavy Pettin with Rock Ain’t Dead( rock wasn’t dead but Heavy Pettin were)…or L.A Guns second album release called Cocked And Loaded but for me hands down,cards on the table the album that best describes a bands downward spiral would be Quiet Riot with Condition Critical. Hey man some one wanna try and revive this slab of rock…Ummm no I didn’t think so and here are the true events from 1984 as recounted by me or as Sarca calls me The Unablogger!
1984, musically for me it was a huge dose of VH with 1984,Crüe with Shout At The Devil,Whitesnakes Slide It In,Maiden with Powerslave,Sammy Hagars VOA and many more,but one that I bought without a doubt that I thought would rock and that many of us got fooled with including many local cast and characters of my musical mafia was Quiet Riot!
Condition Critcal was the name,Kevin Dubrow (RIP)losing his hair over this record was the game. So in the summer of 84 Dubrow, Rudy Sarzo,Carlos Cavazo and Frankie Banali thought they could fool me as a 17 year old! Ha,Nope!
So I’m sure we all know the deal with Metal Health right?( read Monday’s review of Metal Health if Ya didn’t here’s it in a nutshell) QR nails the pot of gold with one of the albums of 1983! QR was everywhere,radio,TV ,print magazines they were selling albums like hotcakes plus the singles Cum On Feel The Noise,Metal Health went bizarro and pushed the album to the moon. Everyone back than had a copy! Hell,my wife Q even has told me she had owned a copy of Metal Health as well and she has never been a big music buyer so QR Mach 1983 is crossing over in a big way……
July 1984,QR strikes while the iron is hot! QR is cashing in man big time! I’m sure in there heads they thought the new album was the Shit! Well it was in some regards…..
SIGN OF THE TIMES- ok ok not a bad opener! Dubrow and his yap are telling us “hey hey,hey were a Sign Of The Times,having fun ain’t no crime” so yeah Sarzo’s still licking his bass like a Popsicle,Cavazo’s playing some guitar and Banali’s pounding the drums deliver a solid opening tune and well I’ll be damned but those guys that ran that label and that studio Pasha all had one thing in common. That is all there bands had the same production sound QR,Kick Axe and King Kobra there was no difference in the sonics! Hey don’t get me wrong I’m no producer but that’s kinda fucked!
MAMA WERE ALL CRAZEE NOW-Red Flag Number 1 with Condition Critical and QR decide if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. So it’s another Slade cover track 2, just like Cum On Feel The Noize on Metal Health(Slade song,track2) Ummm back than I was not amused by this move I was thinking what a bunch of lazy asses but than again I guess it was snowing in California with whoever made this decision. If this wasn’t already done I could have probably liked this tune more but man ……
PARTY ALL NIGHT- hahaha,so QR wants to make VH like videos? Ok ?? They always fell short like VH’s Hot For Teacher Vid is a classic this is kinda low budget video work. Kinda like if me and Tbone were rock video directors,ie…Budget hahaha… The song is QR telling us to Party All Night Long…..alrighty Dubrow as long as you bring the 1 am Doritos/Quarter Pounder burgers cuz there’s gonna be some munchies going down …….
STOMP YOUR HANDS,CLAP YOUR FEET- I guess is another play on SUMTHIN that Slade had done! So Dubrow is chasing Slade. Ha well thats ok I guess when your influenced by a sound but this is getting ridiculous! This song is ok it just proves the point that some songs just have goofy titles. But back to the Slade thing and I guess you have to give credit where credit is due and Slade themselves had a bit of a resurgence in America with Run,Runaway or sumthin to that effect! So good on you Dubrow for making them gain some notoriety in good ol 1984.
WINNER TAKES ALL-ends side one and this is the QR balladeer number. ….Ummm, Next!
CONDITION CRITICAL- Banali try’s to be Bonham with that drum groove and it’s not a bad song but it isn’t Zep! But this song basically ends Condition Critical for me as the rest well let’s just say…..
SCREAM AND SHOUT – just like song 7 on Metal Health(Run For Cover) this is a double bass drummey for dummeys of rip offs! It’s weak man ….got a craving for QR double bass driving tunes than stick with Run For Cover off of Metal Health ..but would u actually get a sonic craving for QR ?? Hahahaha …..didn’t think so!
RED ALERT- is just a straight ahead plodder of really nothin. Abort,abort The SS QR is taking on water…just like a ship sinking so is QR!
BAD BOY- nothin new here folks just some sappy lyrics and sappy everything…..
WE WERE BORN TO ROCK- let’s finish with a anthem. The only problem is everyone has already exited the building …..this is not a good song! I’m not gonna slam no more cause there’s the door! That’s me talking by the way!
IN CONCLUSION-after laying waste with record sales in 1983 with Metal Health. QR does the exact same thing and try’s to copy the previous albums material but fall way short. The songs are not strong enough to stand the test of time. QR recorded a album by all intent and purposes should have stayed in 1984. Back than even I never really got Into to Condition Critical and I mean yeah QR’s Condition was indeed Critical and just when Ya thought no more slop could hit my turntable …..
Check back Friday !
Quiet Riot/Inntowner Bar/Thunder Bay/March 1996
So winter 1996 and QR is showing up to Tbay long past there prime but kinda back together with 3/4 of the original Line up consisting of Kevin Dubrow (R.I.P)/Frankie Banali/Carlos Cavazo and some dude who I had never seen before or after for that fact on bass! They were plugging there Greatest Hits release from that year so someone booked em here and well they packed out the place on a weeknight which was good to see because you never know but with Tbay being a Nostaglia town so no surprise than.
Me and TBone secured tickets and went and wow here they come In from outside (straight from there tour bus)with a roadie up a few set of stairs and launch into Mane Attraction and rip into Slick Black Cadalliac and wow these guys are putting on a show feeding me and TBone what we wanna hear and than after Cadailliac ends. Someone in the crowd shouts at Dubrow chirping to him ” Play that Bang Your Head Number” Dubrow says something along the line a of ‘hey pal,this is my band,my show, my songs I will choose to and maybe play that song when and if I want too’ it was pretty close to that. TBone and myself were like WTF…hahahaha…who,pissed in Dubrows cornflakes??! The band than soldiered on you know played the hits,well for them anyways being Cum On Feel The Noise and yes of course Metal Health. They also played Mama Were All Crazee Now,Party All Night. Thunderbird (dedicated to Randy Rhoads) ,Let’s Get Crazy, Down To The Bone,Sign Of The Times . All in all a good show except we were punished meaning TBone called it,Dubrow had his candy striped mic stand on the side of the stage so he used a regular mic stand. No candy mic stand for the Tbay crowd!
After the show was classic rock 101. The stairs that the band entered which was about three steps up to the stage the same roadie handed em all robes which all band members put on and the roadie held the flashlight for them to go down the three steps out the door onto there tour bus! I wish iPhones were around back in 96 man that woulda been great footage! A former arena band trapped in a bar bands body!
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